GenePool Humor

Vacation 1998

Day Seven: I Think Adam and Eve Were Just Bored

8:30 A.M. We awaken for our final day at Disney.

My theory on vacations is that they serve two purposes. One is to allow one to relax and enjoy oneself and perhaps even exhibit symptoms of consumerism on occasion. The other is to make one realize one's job isn't really so bad after all. I feel we have accomplished both goals handily.

Reflecting on this vacation prior to leaving for it, I considered that it would be quite difficult to face my comparatively mundane existence after our trip was all over, especially since I had been looking forward to it for so long. Quite on the contrary, I'm now looking forward to getting home, turning on my computer, relaxing in front of a T.V. that shows more than just Disney advertisements, and not sweating. Likewise, Becky and Tim don't seem at all pensive about returning home.

9:00 A.M. First, though, we have to pack. If you'll recall, at the beginning of this vacation, we purchased four large pieces of luggage so as to simplify our vacationing lives. These four suitcases were in fact so efficient that one of them came down to Florida half empty. This is a very good thing. We have already purchased three extra sets of clothes (ironically, I was the only one who brought enough clothing for the entire stay,) a pith helmet with a working flashlight, a miniature car, two kimonos, a camera and film, four no-spill coffee mugs, photos of us screaming on random rides, a plastic egg hatching a plastic dinosaur, four bags of rocks, a rubber snake, two books, some jewelry, handmade lollipops, two autograph books, a Japanese fan, two hats, four hand-held fans, batteries, two shot glasses, a beer stein, and two pen lights with plastic filaments sticking out of the lighted end to make them look really neat in the dark. And when we're done packing we're going to Downtown Disney to buy even more stuff.

11:15 A.M. Check-out time is officially 11:00 A.M., but nobody at Disney seems to be all that concerned about it.

When we called to arrange to have the luggage checked in with a bellman we were told he could be there any time between 11:00 and 12:30. I've been at hotels where they would escort you out of the room at gunpoint at check-out time, and they would even charge you extra for the bullets.

Our flight is not until 6:45 P.M. We are not planning to carry our luggage with us for the next seven hours, and, fortunately, we don't have to. The hotel will hold our luggage for as long as necessary. The only drawback is, I have to tip the bellman.

We're almost out of cash. It's a matter I didn't give much consideration to for the majority of our stay simply because I didn't need to use cash very often. But gradually, the cash I did bring started to dwindle because of the various kiosks that didn't take our key-card as a method of payment. When I realized this was going to be a problem I went to the ATM in the food court of the hotel, but of course, I need to have money in my bank account for these things to actually distribute money to me. And nobody at Disney can do cash advances. I don't know why; they just can't.

Based on my calculations, if I keep my tipping to a minimum, I should have exactly enough to pay for the taxi, plus tip, to get us to the airport.

11:30 A.M. After giving the bellman our luggage and enough of a tip to convince him, I hope, to bring it all the way to the front desk, we leave our room for the final time. We pass our maid on the way, who has stopped by to make certain we were happy with how everything was during our stay. She admitted the rubber snake scared the crap out of her both times we hid it. We are glad we figured in tips for the maids.

12:00 P.M. The children prove yet again exactly what the pecking order is in our family. From the moment we got on the airplane way back in Day One Deb and I have heard nothing but bickering whenever the time came for all of us to sit down anywhere-- including on rides-- because both of them insisted that they HAD to sit down next to mommy. We have tried everything, including refusing to sit down at all, but this has had no effect, and, even now, on a bus on our last day, we're still hearing it.

The bus we take to get to Downtown Disney is the same bus that took us to Typhoon Lagoon, and on that day it went first to Downtown Disney, then to Pleasure Island, then Disney West Side, before finally stopping at the water park. This time, naturally, it goes to Typhoon Lagoon first.

12:20 P.M. When we visited Downtown Disney last year it was not quite finished. They have added quite a few things since. The first thing we notice is another Rainforest Cafe. This is good, insofar as we have not eaten anything yet. Another reason this is good is that we still have some money left on our Dining Disney Style plan.

The way this plan works, you give them money in advance, and every time you eat you charge it to this account. The dark underside of the plan is that if you don't spend all of it, you don't get it back. I have heard tales from other Disney prisoners about this dark underside. One tale involves a woman buying all the wine in the hotel store ten minutes before her taxi left in order to use up all the cash. Another had a helpful Disney waitress inform a party that since it was their last meal at Disney, they were always welcome to leave the remaining balance as a tip.

We're in pretty good shape, though. The remaining balance after having eaten at the Rainforest Cafe is $21.00, which we figure is just enough to get a snack before we leave Downtown Disney.

1:30 P.M. We start shopping. We're completely shameless, a fact that my credit card provider can attest to. Since we haven't bought anything for any of our friends we feel obligated to spend some money on them now.

Our first stop is an enormous Disney Store. Last year we spent more time looking for our children than we did actually looking at merchandise, and this year is no different. I do make a helpful discovery that speeds up the process considerably when I discover a ten pound box of chocolates that contains five two pound boxes. This eliminates the bulk of our list, and we are free to shop for ourselves. Among the many things we purchase, we buy a giga pet for each of our children, so that they might have something to do on the flight home.

2:15 P.M. Let me explain what Legos mean to our family. My wife and my son are so tremendously enamored of Legos that we now own enough of them to build a second home for ourselves. I mainly consider Legos something sharp to step on in the dark, and Becky doesn't much care for them because it's very difficult to dress Barbie in Legos, but we have little say in this.

There is a positively obscene Lego store at Downtown Disney. There is a thirty foot dragon in the lagoon outside the store made entirely of Legos, which only serves to evoke envy in Legophiles such as my wife, because we cannot construct a dragon of our own. Not that we don't have enough pieces.

We spend a LOT here, so much that we cannot even carry our purchases out of the store. Instead, we have it all shipped to our house. Becky even gets into the act when she finds a product called Scala. This is an Italian word meaning "Legos for girls." It's a pink doll house, complete with furniture, a man, a woman, and a baby.

3:15 P.M. We find the Mattel store, which satisfies Becky's Barbie fetish. Tim buys his own toy jumbo jet. I can actually hear my credit card shriek when they run it through.

3:30 P.M. It's nearly time to go. We stop at Ghirardelli's for some ice cream, and, hopefully, to use up the rest of our Dining money. Naturally, this is not possible. Downtown Disney is unlike the rest of the World in one particular aspect, and that is that the stores there are not all Disney stores, but are run by the companies that own them. Consequently, Ghirardelli doesn't take Dining Disney Style. They take cash, but I have none to spare. So I put it on my credit card, which is now whimpering plaintively.

4:00 P.M. We take a bus back to our hotel. Our taxi will be arriving for us at 5:30 P.M., which should give us plenty of time to get to the airport and our plane. Had we taken the Mears shuttle to the airport instead we would have never been able to visit Downtown Disney at all, which is why I'm recommending to all you travelers out there to make whatever arrangements you can to get on that shuttle and save yourself a lot of money.

4:20 P.M. In a refreshing change from our "who gets to sit next to mommy" routine, the only one who gets a seat is Becky, and only because an elderly woman offers to let Becky sit on her lap. Being a social animal, Becky tells her all about our trip thus far. This goes much better than the last time Becky struck up a conversation with people on a Disney bus. The last time, the family she sat next to spoke only German.

5:00 P.M. We have made it back to the hotel again. Becky, Deb and Tim collapse on chairs in the lobby while I make arrangements to get our luggage from the bellhop.

The children are in ultra-whine mode now because they want to open their giga pets right away, even though we've told them ten times already that they will not be allowed to open them until we're on the plane. I manage to scrape together enough coinage from my pockets to buy each of them a soda, and am viewed by my children, ever-so-briefly, as possessing godlike powers.

5:15 P.M. Our luggage is brought out to the curb, and I realize with horror that the children are now drinking the only money I had to tip the bellman for bringing it out. I had not considered needing cash for this particular transaction. Nonetheless, I make a show of pulling out my wallet, at which point the man who has ferried my luggage out informs me that he is not allowed to accept tips. While I am greatly relieved by this, I am tempted to tell him he should vie for the job the guy who took our luggage from the room has, because he didn't have any problem accepting tips at all.

5:30 P.M. Our taxi arrives. It's not Ian, which causes some confusion, but we get over it quickly.

6:10 P.M. The taxi drops us off at the terminal, we pay him, plus tip, and are now completely flat broke. Which means we cannot check our luggage outside, as we have nothing to tip with. We go inside instead, and check our luggage at the counter. The children still would very much like to open their giga pets now.

6:30 P.M. We board the plane and open the giga pets.

Since Tim got to sit next to mommy on the flight to Florida, he gets to sit next to mean old daddy this time around. Daddy gets to sit between him and a very talkative young girl named Brenna, who is Tim's age. Brenna is talkative in the same sense that the sun is hot. Becky immediately recognizes a soulmate and asks to switch seats with Tim. Tim readily complies. I move over so the two girls can talk to their hearts' content.

8:00 P.M. Halfway through the flight, we're all very tired, and Brenna is still talking. Becky and Brenna have gone through every book and toy they own, twice, and everyone within four rows of them are now clinically insane. I myself am considering whether or not I can pry my window open.

(I exaggerate, slightly. Brenna was a very charming little girl, and I'm sure her parents are very proud of her and not feeling the slightest bit litiginous in the off-chance they actually read this some day.)

9:30 P.M. We land back home in Boston, which immediately prompts the Carry Me Syndrome in our children. But since I adopted the giga pets halfway through the flight, between keeping the pets alive and carrying out bags I've got way too much to do, so they have to walk.

10:15 P.M. Home. At last.

© 2000, Gene Doucette