GenePool Humor

To Whom It May Concern

I am posting this note at the top of the Alpine Slide to warn you that I, or a member of my family, may very well be behind you. Please read carefully.

The Alpine Slide is a very long, steep, cement half-pipe. You are going to be going down it in a plastic sled that, as you might have noticed, offers no padding whatsoever. There is a lever in the middle of the sled that, when pushed forward, releases two wheels. When in contact with the slide, the wheels permit you to go very very fast. As you will see, this is an important thing to know. Now, if you do not push forward on the lever, you will skid slowly down the hill. You do not want to skid slowly down the hill. If you pull on the lever, you will apply the brakes and come to a complete stop. You definitely do not want to come to a complete stop.

Be advised that I, and the other members of my family, would like to go very very fast. We have survived every known roller coaster in this hemisphere, and we are also Boston drivers. Hence, we have no fear. I personally took one corner on the Alpine Slide so fast I had to grab the side of the slide to keep on the track, giving myself a friction burn in the process. I did not care that it hurt, because I still got to go very very fast.

Understand that my family and I have already waited forty-five minutes to get to the ski lift, and then another ten minutes on the ski lift, just to get to the start of the slide. We are not here to go sightseeing, gently meandering through the woods on a pleasant little jaunt down the Alpine Slide. We don't care about the woods, because we've seen trees before and don't find them all that interesting. We are here to go very very fast.

In the event that you are in front of one of us and are not going very very fast, I offer two suggestions. First-- and this is the one I recommend-- go very very fast yourself. If you are unable to do this, my second recommendation is to get the hell out of our way. The best way to do this is to jump off of the slide. Don't worry about removing the sled; we will be glad to knock it off the track for you.

Sincerely serious about this,

Gene Doucette

© 2001, Gene Doucette