We were staying at a Home Suites Inn across the street from the Mall of America, so close that when you call the hotel they answer, "Home Suites Inn Mall of America, can I help you?" which cracks me up for some reason. Now a year ago wife Deb stayed at this same hotel, and described it for me, and somehow I ended up combining her description with my own assumptions about malls and came up with the following image: a gigantic square mall standing in the middle of an even more gigantic flat space devoted to parking spaces; a road; a solitary hotel on the other side of the road; a vast wasteland in all directions.

Because the Mall of America has been around since I was a kid, at least, meaning somewhere in the vicinity of the early to mid-1970's, and I have been in malls from that era. They're not pretty, or interesting, or any place I would visit without a really, really good reason. I have also seen my share of mall parking areas, which are great expanses of tarmac that create visible waves of despair when you walk across them. As for the vast wasteland of my imaginings, well, that may have come from a fundamental misunderstanding regarding the infrastructure of the American Midwest in general.

Instead the entire region was a complex array of on-ramps and off-ramps, the parking was remarkably well hidden in a variety of underground and above-ground parking garages, the hotel was part of a collection of hotels... and the mall was quite modern and interesting and, while huge, did not appear to be so from the outside.

Another thing I was expecting: the feeling of disdain at the rampant and obscene display of American consumerism writ large. Because I'm a liberal democrat from Massachusetts, and this is what we do. But the mall was so unequivocally awesome I didn't have time to experience any disdain at all. Perhaps on the next visit.

And there will clearly be another visit.

--Each of the shopping plazas (North, South, East, West) was three stories tall and each was as large as any other mall I've ever been in. This left a gigantic amount of space in the middle for the amusement park. Yes, really.

--The amusement park in the middle is sponsored by Nickelodeon, the makers of Doan's backache pills, and the American Association of Whiplash Attorneys. If you are over the age of 25, do not go on these rides. I'm serious. I know there are three really cool-looking roller coasters; it's not worth it.

--Yes, there are roller coasters in the middle of the Mall of America.

--There are also three Starbucks, three Caribou Coffees, two Godivas, two Victoria's Secrets, two food courts with two McDonald's, and multiples of other random stores, like Fossil. There is also a wedding chapel, a movie theater, a comedy club, and a bunch of sit-down restaurants of varying price and quality. And a Hooters. Mustn't forget the Hooters.

--I will be going back for at least two stores where I fell in love with products I could not justify buying. One was the Western Store, which had extremely reasonably priced cowboy boots, and a black duster that I wanted very badly. The other was Frederick's of Hollywood, about which I shall not elaborate here.

--In the basement was an aquarium, with those corridor tubes so you can walk through the actual tank and get into staring contests with sharks. We did not get a chance to visit the aquarium, so this is another reason to go back someday.

--Each floor is a .57 mile circuit, according to the helpful brochure we looked at. The place could really benefit from some sort of walking club: hand out free pedometers or something, Mall. It'd probably be a tax write-off.

(To Be Continued)