1: Don't go camping Bears generally live in wooded areas or on ice floes. There are few urban bears left, so you are very unlikely to come across one in the city. Even the bad parts of the city. Camping in general seems like a rather unhealthy activity, as one has to abandon oneself in the woods with little more than a canvas tent to protect oneself from rampant examples of nature that is in abundance in wooded regions. And don't even get us started on the mosquitos. So anyway, don't go camping.
2: You went camping, didn't you? Fool.
3: Stay as far away from food as possible This may be difficult if you want to live through your camping experience, but it wasn't our idea to go camping, now, was it? Despite being a gigantic, chubby bundle of cuteness, one bear can take on the entire Russian weightlifting team with one hand, even with the performance-enhancing drugs factored in. This bear wants your food. If you personally smell like food, you're in even worse shape. (The chef is always the first one to go, especially if he is played by a member of a minority group.)
4: When confronted, leave it the hell alone Do not attempt to pet the bear.
5: The honey trick If leaving it alone isn't working, point over the bear's shoulder (either one) and say "look! Honey!" As is well documented in such classic pieces of literature as Winnie the Pooh, bears cannot resist honey. When the bear stops to look over his or her shoulder, run away.
6: Appear bigger Take your child, or the shortest member of your party, and put them on your shoulder. This says to the bear one of two things: "I am a very large human with extra arms" or "here, take the child. Just don't hurt me." In either case, you should be safe.
7: Take a hostage If none of the above has worked, get a hold of a bear cub. Say something along the lines of "one more move and the cub gets it!" Then back away until you reach the car-- which is hopefully nearby-- and drive away fast. Keep the cub if you want.
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