The house cat, much like the common house fly, is an unwelcome pest in any home. Unfortunately, whereas eliminating flies involves little more than a can of Raid and a little free time, cats are much more difficult to catch, kill, and dispose of.
1: Identify the problem The most important initial step is to identify whether or not you do in fact have a cat problem. For instance, you may actually have a rat, a mouse, or a small dog. The common signs of a cat infestation include:
--loud scurrying about the house at three in the morning
--the smell of pee in various parts of the house, including your sock drawer
--random keys pressed on your keyboard when you've left the room
--broken shards of what used to be an expensive family heirloom scattered across your living room floor
--something with a furry tail brushing against your feet and then disappearing suddenly (non-furry tail means it is a rat)
--tell-tale scratches on your extremities
--waking up in the middle of the night feeling like there is a large weight on your chest
2: Test for poltergeists There is an outside chance that you actually have a poltergeist in your home and not a cat. Just to be safe, call a priest and have him bless the house (keep him away from the children) and then see if the above problems continue.
3: Set traps Cats are very smart, and they hide very well, especially if you are looking for them. Rather than actively hunt them, your best bet may be to set up passive lures. One such lure is a "cat box." This is a plastic box filled with "kitty litter" that you may set up in any room of the house. Cats will come out to use the bathroom in this box, especially if you've remembered to shut your sock drawer. You may have to hide and wait for the cat to come out and then pounce on them, as cat boxes are not designed to ensnare cats for some reason. Another option is to put out "cat food." Do not attempt to poison the cat food, as we have tried this and it does not work.
4: Catnip If the food and the cat box do not work, try to obtain a small quantity of "catnip." This is a federally controlled substance, but may be obtained at a reasonable price in Mexico. Take the catnip, and load it into a water bong. Leave the bong and a lighter in the middle of the room. No cat can resist.
5: Extermination Once you have lured the cat into the open, you will have to exterminate it. There is unfortunately no "Raid for cats" on the market right now, so you may have to rely on small arms. We recommend a .22 caliber handgun. Anything larger will create a terrible mess. If you do not have access to a gun, you may be forced to grab the still-living feline. Be very careful; cats have sharp claws, and they bite. There is no telling what sort of diseases they are carrying around. Once you've grabbed the cat try to stun it by hitting it against a heavy object such as a desk or table.
6: Disposal If you are dealing with a non-dead cat, you are going to have to dispose of it in a way that ensures it will never return. (Cats are vindictive.) Swinging it by the tail and then hurling it as far as you can, while a great deal of fun, may not do the trick. One popular method is to put the cat in a sack and throw it into a river. If you are not near a river or have no sack, simply place the unconscious pest into a cardboard box, tape the box shut, and leave the box on the meridian strip of a major highway late at night. Do not try to flush the cat down the toilet, as we have tried this, and it does not work.
Things to know
--As odd as it may seem, in many parts of the world people actually keep cats as pets!
--Eating a cat may seem like a viable disposal option, but we do not recommend it, as there is very little meat on them, and they taste rather gamey.
--Scientists recently cloned a cat, which proves beyond a doubt that scientists can be pretty damned weird.
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