Disney World is one of the harshest, most
unforgiving environments on the face of the Earth. It is also
one of the few places on Earth where safety in numbers does not
apply. Here, the larger your group is, the more unlikely survival
becomes, especially if children are involved.
1: Check your funds Carefully review your currency and credit cards, including taking note of your available credit limits. Do this before you are on Disney property, at the airport.
2: Just say no You will have to practice this a good deal, especially if you are traveling with children. Start at the hotel lobby. When you check in the kindly-- and cleverly disguised-- alien being working the front desk will ask you if you wish to link your room key to your credit card, so that all you need to do to buy things is hand over your room key. This is like loaning your house keys to the Manson family. You must say no. They will even ask if you wish to link your childrens' room keys to your credit card so that they can purchase things without first acquiring your approval. We really shouldn't have to tell you what an incredibly bad idea this is.
3: Avoiding the parks This is impossible, but it makes us feel better to suggest it anyhow.
4: Beating the heat Disney World is maintained at the constant temperature of 92 degrees, and humidity is shipped in from the Amazon. This is done to wear down your decision-making abilities and make it seem as if a $5- bottle of water and a cheap plastic pocket fan are good investments. Also, the only air conditioning available other than your hotel room is in the shops. There are five shops on average to every ride at Disney World. And your hotel air conditioning is designed to turn off if you remain in your room for more than ten hours consecutively. Buy one bottle of water per family member, and keep refilling them at water fountains, or in your room every morning. Don't bother with the cheap plastic fans.
5: Complain loudly Do not make the mistake of assuming that just because you don't see an enormous line, there isn't one hidden somewhere. Some lines run underground for seven miles. Your best bet is to be a total jerk. Wait until you are in earshot of a friendly Disney employee and then start bitching. The louder and more graphic you are, the better. (Warn your children in advance that they are about to learn some new words they should not repeat.) Disney employees do not know what unhappiness and dissatisfaction is, because these things do not exist on their planet. Confronted with this problem, they will take you through a side door that leads to the front of the line.
6: The wheelchair If complaining loudly does not work (or your vocabulary is inadequate) travel with a wheelchair. This will also get you right to the front of the line. If you are lucky, you already have a crippled person with you. Otherwise, one of your family members will have to pretend to be handicapped. Make it a game and take turns.
7: Do not buy anything We mean it. It will start small, with a pair of Mickey Mouse ears or a stuffed animal or something, and before you know it, you're taking home a framed cel autographed by the guy who did the character's voice that will serve you no purpose other than reminding you where your mortgage money went. This will require a great deal of discipline, because everything there is for sale, including the employees. Especially avoid Downtown Disney and the World Showcase at Epcot.
8: Do not go on Test Track It sucks.
9: Flee from the characters Often, you will sit down to eat and find yourself unexpectedly assaulted by employees in character suits. Do not let them get near your children. While you get your camera out, they will whisper things in your child's ear like "if your mommy and daddy don't buy more toys for you, we will have to kill them" or "if they don't give you everything you want, they don't love you."
10: Bring
Disney parephernalia with you You have undoubtedly invested
heavily in Disney merchandise before having made this trip. Take
it with you. When you leave, they will search your bags to be
certain you have made enough purchases. Your pre-purchased products
should throw them off.
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