Drinking and driving is of course not in any
way recommended. In the last two years alone, drinking and driving
caused more legislation in the United States than any other unrecommended
act, including bungee jumping.
1: Start drinking There wouldn't be much point to a section called "How to Drink and Drive" if drinking wasn't included in the instructions. If you intend to drive later, make an earnest effort to drink in moderation. If you have difficulty determining if you have been drinking in moderation, check for these symptoms of excessive alcohol consumption:
A) You are uncertain as to the current location of your pants.
B) You know where your pants are, but they are on your head instead of where they should be.
C) You're having trouble understanding symptom B (above) because you believe you are supposed to be wearing your pants on your head.
D) The band stopped playing an hour ago but you are still talking very loudly.
E) You have no idea what the drink in your hand is called, or how it got into your hand in the first place. Or if it's even your drink.
F) The word "dude" has become very important to you.
G)You've hit on everyone in the room and are now trying to take home a potted plant.
H) The bartender shut you off an hour ago, so now you're bribing people to get drinks for you and stealing unattended ones.
I) You get physically ill, and enjoy the experience.
J) Someone puts out a cigarette in your drink and you drink it anyway.
2: Locate your keys Hopefully, for all our sakes, somebody has already taken them from you. If this has not happened, you should find them in your pants, which are on your head.
3: Locate your car This should be approximately where you left it. Try to remember where that is.
4: Start driving If you cannot recall how to drive, don't try. Just lie down in the front seat and sleep it off.
5: Find the median That would be the dotted or solid line down the middle of the street. The correct position for your car is to the RIGHT of this line. Do not drive to the left of it unless you are in England. (We do not recommend drinking and driving in England.) Follow the median carefully. Not only does this keep you from running into the cars coming from the opposite direction, but it is the universally recognized symbol of outright drunkenness. Your fellow drivers will appreciate your forthrightness and will know to avoid you. The police might even pull you over to congratulate you for doing this right.
6: Find your
way home There is only so much detail a book of this sort
can go into; unfortunately, we do not know where you live. If
you are equally uncertain, you might wish to consider stopping
and asking others "Do you know where I live?" There
is a decent chance that your license has your current address,
so you may also want to check that. The police can also be very
helpful on this matter.
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