Gaining Your Party Nomination
As long as you are associated with a party, you are going to have to go through the process of convincing your party to nominate you as their candidate. This is actually fairly difficult, mainly because you will be running against other people who believe in basically the exact same thing you do. What you need to do is distinguish yourself.
The easiest way to do this is by utilizing the "I'm rubber and you're glue" technique. This complex political strategy dates back hundreds of years. Here's how it works.
1: Find something your opponent stands for.
2: Insist that you stand for that as well.
3: Point out that even though both you and your opponent stand for whatever it is you both stand for, your opponent doesn't really stand for it at all.
4: When your opponent protests and accuses you of terrible things, respond by saying it is actually your opponent that does these terrible things, and you are merely defending yourself.
It also helps to be much more attractive than any of the other nominees.
Likewise, having more money than any of them is very very useful. The easiest way to get money is by employing the "rubber/glue" strategy when speaking to lobbyists and other representatives of major organizations, making sure in the process that the thing that you stand for is a thing that benefits the lobby or major organization in some impressive way.
Note: it is extremely important that you avoid developing genuine personal convictions of any kind during this process.
Also note: by "developing personal convictions" we do not mean your arrest record. While it is also not a good idea to have an arrest record, it is much easier to overcome this than it is to overcome genuine personal convictions.
If you do not win your party nomination for President, you may wish to consider other jobs, such as: political insider, retired statesman, or television commentator. We understand Congress also has an excellent benefit package.
If you do win your party nomination, move on to step four.
