At 29,028 feet above sea level, the top of Mount Everest is the highest point on Earth. It is a very stupid place to be. Please take our word for it and don't go. Seriously, it's a bad idea. If you want to get high above sea level, take an airplane. They cruise at that altitude.
Okay, fine. Be that way.
There is very little in the way of practical instruction that we can give you other than "keep climbing until you run out of things to climb." This would make for a very short chapter. What we have tried to do instead is offer a little advice and give you an idea of what to expect as you ascend.
To summit Mount Everest, you will need:
--Warm clothing
--Boots that you've already worn a few times
--Icepick
--Backpack
--U.V.-blocking goggles
--Crampons (these are not feminine products; they are metal spikes that clip onto boots)
--A death wish
--Bottled oxygen
--Excess body fat you don't mind getting rid of
--Food
1: Go to Nepal Nepal is a country somewhere near the bottom of Mount Everest, although we are not altogether sure where as we do not have an atlas with us right now. It is also possible to summit Mount Everest from China, but you will need to get permission from China first, and this is difficult, because China doesn't like you. Do not anger China.
2: Hire sherpas The only thing dumber than trying to reach the top of Mount Everest is doing is alone. In Nepalese, the word "sherpa" translates as "foolish, and probably insane." You can understand, then, why it would be good to have a few around. Sherpas will help guide you up the mountain, can carry your equipment for you, and make excellent witnesses at the inquest.
3: Locate Mount Everest This should be the tallest mountain there. You are welcome to scale some of the other mountains instead, but this could create a problem in the future when you attempt to brag, as many of these mountains have very odd names. "I summited Ama Dablam" not only means nothing to most people, it sounds as if you are perhaps recounting a sexual exploit.
4: Climb to Everest Base Camp Fortuitously, Everest has a number of rest stops that will be very helpful to you. These are natural flat areas that have been built up over time due to the large amount of traffic heading up and down the mountain. Base camp is only at about seventeen thousand feet, and should be no problem for you. Eat at the Denny's and stay a while.
5: Camp One To reach this camp, you're going to have to navigate an area called "icefall," so named because it's full of ice that may just fall. This is absurdly dangerous because the ice we are talking about is enormous blocks called "seracs," and when they fall, they will kill you in a very permanent way. Provided you survive the icefall, you will find camp one very pleasant, although you will be unable to enjoy much of it because you will be too busy gasping desperately for breath. You are almost at twenty thousand feet right now, and oxygen-- which is much smarter than you-- doesn't really hang out at this altitude that often. Spend a few days at camp one to get used to the thin air.
6: Camp Two As you ascend to the second camp-- over 21,000 feet-- you will begin to notice certain "hints" that perhaps man was not meant to occupy this particular region of our planet (Earth.) One hint is that you have to wear a heavily tinted sun visor at all times because you will otherwise be permanently blinded by UV radiation that's usually blocked by the ozone layer you're currently standing in. Another hint is that there is only 50% of the recommended daily allowance of oxygen at this height. Also, it's about thirty degrees below zero with the wind. And if none of that registers, take a look at all the dead people lying in the snow drifts along the path.
7: Camp Three Now that you have reached the 24,000 foot mark, it is time to reacquiant yourself with the signs of frostbite. Look for red patches of skin that have no feeling to them. Roughly sixty percent of your body should feel this way. On the plus side, you're losing brain cells by the thousand, so there is a good chance you don't even care about the frostbite. You will find a larger supply of extra human corpses at this height, and you might even spot a Yeti if you're lucky.
8: Camp Four You have officially entered the "death zone," so named because you're going to die up here, you damn fool. The oxygen levels are now so low that you have no choice but to start using the bottled oxygen. Don't expect this to improve your quality of life all that much.
9: Summit Congratulations! You're now 29,028 feet above sea level. Here's some of the exciting things you will find at the highest point on Earth.
-- Gods Many interesting deities live up here. If you see Zeus, get him to tell the one about the Athenian, the Spartan, and the Roman. It's a riot.
-- The Jet Stream These are high velocity winds that circle the Earth in East-West patterns. Right now you are standing in it, and it is trying to send you soaring into China. Don't let it, as this will also anger China.
-- Clouds That's right, you've climbed to the best lookout point on the planet and all you can see are the tops of clouds. Don't you feel foolish now?
--Satellites There are a very large number of man-made satellites in low orbit. Make sure you duck when they pass by.
10: Getting
down again It is very important that you get the hell off
the summit right away so you can tell people. Otherwise, they
won't believe you. This is what happened to George Mallory, and
boy, did he feel foolish. We recommend that you climb down. In
terms of speed this is not nearly as efficient as jumping, but
it has a much higher survival rate.
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