How to Survive a Hurricane
Other than earthquakes, supervolcanoes, massive
tidal waves, plagues, tornadoes, extinction-level asteroids,
and Cher, there is nothing quite so terrifying as a hurricane.
Surviving one takes a lot of planning, a little luck, and a tremendous
amount of duct tape.
1: Don't live where there are hurricanes This may seem like rather odd advice insofar as hurricanes are mobile cyclonic windstorms, and as such are fairly difficult to avoid. (As opposed to, say, a volcano.) However, there are certain regions on Earth that are particularly susceptible to hurricane strikes. Specifically, coastal areas near the equator. Technically, you will probably be just fine if you stay away from the Atlantic Ocean altogether, except that there are hurricanes in the Pacific as well. You just don't hear about them, because then they're called typhoons.
2: Get the hell out of the way of the hurricane Thanks to modern technological advances, it is now possible to hear about a hurricane well before it actually reaches you. When this happens, hop in your car and drive very quickly in the opposite direction, hoping while you go that the National Hurricane Center managed to get the path of the hurricane correct this time.
3: Make your plans If you are unable to get out of the path of the hurricane-- if, say, you do not own a car, or you happen to live on an island-- it is now time to prepare for the hurricane's arrival. Preparations vary depending on the severity of the storm, as measured by the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Strength Classification Scale.
Category 1: "Wussy." Street signs blow over, bushes and shrubs are damaged, housecats meow slightly more loudly. Plan for these storms by duct taping your shrubs, kicking the cat, and shaking your fist triumphantly at Mother Nature for throwing such a weak-ass storm at you.
Category 2: "Mildly Alarming." Houses moan, some of the sicker looking trees may fall over, shingles blow off, small children complain. Planning: duct tape all the sick trees you may have on your property, as well as duct taping X-es on your windows. This lets the wind know not to blow the glass in. Purchase bottled water, before everyone else snaps it up.
Category 3: "Deeply Frightening." Houses collapse, mobile homes cease to exist in any normal functioning sense of the word, dogs fart explosively, healthy trees surrender. Planning: duct tape everything on your property, including the dog. Buy plywood and nail it over the windows-- after first duct taping X-es over the glass. Purchase bottled water and bleach. This is so if it looks like you're going to die, you can add the bleach to the water and drink it.
Category 4: "Holy Fucking Shit." Buildings fall, cars fly through the air, walls bleed, large sea mammals are carried several miles inland, entire regions disappear completely. Planning: Cover your entire house with duct tape X-es to try and fool the hurricane into thinking the whole place is a gigantic window. Nail as much wood as you can find to the outside of the duct tape. Lock yourself and your family and your farting dog in the basement with the bottled water and bleach, and maybe some canned goods, a portable generator, and a gun to ward off looters in the apocalyptic aftermath that is sure to follow.
Category 5: "The End Of The World." All trace of humanity is picked up several yards into the air and converted into bite-sized pieces, the Biblical leviathan surfaces from the depths, hell rises up and swallows mankind whole. Planning: fuck the duct tape. Get into the basement and make peace with your god.
Things to Know
--Hurricanes also carry with them a tremendous amount of water, which we probably should have mentioned earlier.
--If you do not have a basement, the next safest room in the house is the bathroom, provided your bathroom is located somewhere in Virginia.
Order your copy of The OTHER Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook today to read:
How to Survive A Bad Movie
How to Fend Off A Bear
How to Get Into Heaven
How to Rob A Bank
...and much more!
 |
|