Depending on who you ask, home invasions are
either a very real threat for which one should remain ever-vigilant
and heavily armed, or rare occurrences outside of celebrity stalking
cases and high crime areas. We are going with "very real
threat" insofar as otherwise there would be little point
to this chapter.
Tell-tale signs you are in the midst of a home invasion
--You hear noises where there should not be any noises, such as: breaking windows, heavy footsteps, whispered voices. If you are on anti-psychotic medication, please consider the possibility that this is all in your imagination.
--You see people in your house that should not be in your house. Exception: relatives that will not go away.
--Your burglar alarm has gone off. Exception: every time your burglar alarm goes off and it turns out to be the dog, a neighbor's cat, the rain, a tree limb, a malfunction, a resident who has forgotten the code, or basically any other time the goddamn thing has gone off in the middle of the night for no apparent reason whatsoever, leaving you to wonder what in the hell you were thinking when you installed it.
--The phone rings, you answer it, and the voice on the other end of the line asks "have you checked the children?" and then, when you ask the phone company to trace the call, they tell you it CAME FROM YOUR HOUSE.
--The combination of urban creep, constant government threat alert announcements, a general fear of terrorists, communists, drug dealers, homosexuals, or athiests, and the promotional efforts of the National Rifle Association have all conspired to convince you completely and utterly that the vast and faceless "they" are actively seeking to victimize you.
What to do
1: Get in your panic room If you are fortunate to have a panic room, you must be very rich and very paranoid. We congratulate you on your success and recommend you make an appointment with a good psychiatrist. But first, get in your panic room, shut the door, and call the police. They'll probably know the address because we're guessing you do this a lot. Please do not forget to bring your insulin with you before locking yourself in. if you do not have a panic room, please proceed to 2.
2: Get your gun It should be right by the bed, fully loaded and with the safety off, just like our friends at the NRA recommend.
3: Start shooting As soon as you are certain there is someone in your home who should not be in your home, open fire. Don't even turn on the light or anything. Sure, it could be your brother-in-law Frank, who came in for the holidays a day early, didn't want to wake anybody, and happened to know where the hide-a-key was. But it could also be some brigand whose sole goal in life is to steal your TV, kill you, beat your wife, and get your kids addicted to crack. You don't want to take that chance do you?
Note: the one exception to shooting first and asking questions later is if this is taking place on Christmas Eve. Do not shoot Santa, as this will make all the boys and girls throughout the Christian portion of the world very sad, and you may be forced, through some sort of comic magical event, to take his place, which would be incredibly unfortunate if you happen to dislike children or something. Again, Do not shoot Santa.
4: Be cooperative, positive and helpful If you do not have a gun, you are going to have to accept your fate as a possible hostage and simply focus on surviving the ordeal. The easiest way to do this is by giving the invaders whatever they want. Here are some hot-button phrases that will assist you:
--"Those ski masks look very fetching."
--"I'd be glad to give you the combination for my safe."
--I have some extra duct tape in the bottom drawer."
--"Here, take my car; it gets much better gas mileage."
--"You know, my neighbor Bob is loaded, and he's out of town right now."
--"Of course you can rape my wife."
--"Hey, don't forget the jewelry!"
--"I am blind, and therefore incapable of picking you out in a lineup later."
--"Sure we'll miss the children, but go ahead and take them if you feel you must."
Things to know
--Shooting someone on your property is your right as a homeowner, but please do not get too carried away. The mailman, for instance, has a good reason to be there. And the foreign exchange student who rang your bell by mistake is probably just lost.
--Jehovah's Witnesses, however, are fair game.
Order your copy of The OTHER Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook today to read:
How to Escape From Prison
How to Take A Bullet
How to Identify Anthrax
How to Deal With Foreigners
...and much more!
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