1: Hate the
government The very first step in starting your own militia
is to learn to hate the government intensely. This should not
be all that hard.
2: Become
very paranoid Okay, everybody hates the government. But once
you've exhausted your list of perfectly legitimate reasons to
hate the government, you're going to have to expand a bit. Most
professional militia-starters jump straight on to their "why
my life sucks in general" list. You are going to have to
first make this list, and then come up with reasons why the items
on this list are also the government's fault. You will have to
get very creative, and probably ascribe abilities to the government
that are not only wholly beyond both the capability of any modern
governing apparatus, but are also beyond the capabilty of modern
technology.
Example: "Bobby-Sue
broke up with me in seventh grade." Whose fault? "The
government." How? "Using alien tracking technology
that was reverse-engineered from the Roswell UFO, they compelled
Bobby-Sue to think I was dumb and smelled funny, and they even
made her say I kiss like a sick trout." Why would they do
this? "To crush my spirit and keep me down so I would offer
less resistance when they come for me."
Now that you see how it's done, get to work.
3: Move to
Montana This is where all the best militias go, although
other Midwest states will also work very well.
4: Get guns
You are going to need a tremendous amount of guns. Fortunately,
thanks to the tireless efforts of the National Rifle Association,
it is now possible to buy in bulk.
5: Develop
a manifesto You are now highly paranoid, isolated, and heavily
armed, which means you're almost there. Now is the time to develop
a manifesto that establishes your beliefs as to how the government
should run things and what you plan to do about it. Literacy
and reason need not go anywhere near your manifesto. It does,
however, need to clearly identify your desire to overthrow the
current government with violence. This will become critical during
the recruitment period.
Example: Do
NOT say: "We will take over the government by presenting
the American people with a viable third-party candidate."
DO say: "We will bathe in the blood of the oppressor, destroy
their false idols, and T.P. the White House."
(If, at this point, it is occurring to you
that there is no earthly way a small band of heavily armed but
thoroughly disorganized nutjobs could possibly overthrow the
entire United States government, you are far too intelligent
to start a militia. Sell the guns and get out of Montana, before
it's too late.)
6: Recruit
This is the easy part. There are several online resources available
to you for recruiting, and if you're too paranoid to trust the
internet, well, you're in Montana. Just walk around and talk
to people. Follow the checklist, below, to identify potential
recruits. (Seven out of ten equals a good recruiting prospect.)
If he:
Has
not bathed recently
Is very
well armed
Thinks
you might be a government agent
Is wearing
aluminum foil on his head to prevent the government from "reading
thoughts"
Cannot
read your manifesto because it has too many big words
Drives
a pickup truck with a passenger side door held closed with a
bent coat hanger
Hasn't
had a full set of teeth for twenty years
Thinks
the NRA is too liberal
Takes
pride in being home-schooled
Thinks
that being politically correct means using the word "coon"
instead of "nigger"
7: Piss off the government This might seem illogical,
because getting the attention of the same government you intend
to overthrow now, before you have adequate numbers to do so,
seems rather stupid. Here is the reasoning you need to master
for this step to make sense.
A: the government
already knows all about me
B: they consider me a huge threat, because I'm such a
damned important person
C: they will be coming for me soon
D: if I give them an excuse to come after me, I'll be
less likely to be surprised
E: this will confirm my opinion of myself as a damned
important person, and not a total loser
So, after establishing an organization (at
least five people) it is time for you to secede from the union.
Specifically, this means that you declare that you no longer
intend to pay taxes. If this does not get the government's attention
(for instance, if you never had a large enough income to declare
in the first place) you might want to consider printing your
own money. If this fails as well, try blowing something up. Eventually,
your compound will be surrounded by heavily armed government
employees. Congratulations!