It has been well-documented that the viewing
a genuinely bad movie can result in a number of adverse effects,
such as: blindness, insanity, madness, extreme stupidity, vacuousness,
and People Magazine subscriptions.
Early Recognition
Much like pregnancy, the best way to avoid a bad movie is to abstain. Consequently, we will concentrate initially on learning to recognize a bad movie in advance.
Stars Who is starring in the film? Did they also produce and/or write the film? This is a warning sign, known hereafter as the "Hudson Hawk" rule.
Be especially aware of the following actors.
--Kevin Costner. Not only will this in all likelihood be an extremely bad film, it will probably also last at least four hours. Case in point: "Wyatt Earp" which lasted as long as Mr. Earp's actual life.
--Robin Williams. We are not sure when Mr. Williams transformed from edgy comic to freakishly unfunny "family film" actor, but we think it might have been around the time he stopped using cocaine. Exception: he's usually okay in minor or supporting roles. This is known as the Whoopi Goldberg rule.
--Eddie Murphy. A very gifted comic actor who unfortunately looks in the mirror and sees Jerry Lewis. And Lewis did it better, which speaks volumes. The Whoopi Goldberg rule also applies here. Example: "Bowfinger."
--John Travolta. Yes, Mr. Travolta has acted in a few very good films, i.e., "Pulp Fiction". However, if you avoid his larger body of work altogether, the percentages will definitely be in your favor. He is also a Scientologist, which means he's more than a little crazy. This is also known as the Tom Cruise rule.
--Leonardo DiCaprio. We were probably the only person watching "Titanic" who cheered when DiCaprio's character finally died. We expect him to join the Church of Scientology any day now. Our advice is to see "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" and then never see another film with DiCaprio in it...
If you would like to see
the rest of this chapter...
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How to Survive A Shark Attack
How to Conjure Up A Demon
How to Find Jesus
How to Survive A Trip to Disney World
...and much more!
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