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GenePool
Humor
Sleeping on
the Watch
From: the Big Book of Childrens Birthday Parties, Page 1, Rule 1
"Do not under any circumstances hold a birthday party that involves more than one of the guests sleeping overnight in your home."
From: the Big Book of Childrens Birthday Parties, Page 1, Rule 1-A
"Especially if they are boys."
Back in June, with Becky's birthday looming large on the horizon and us with very little in the way of disposable income available for a major bash, we hit upon the idea of a sleepover party. Our logic was simple: we could reduce the headcount by suggesting Becky invite only her closest friends, and she could not invite any boys. Unfortunately, Becky only HAS close friends, and the invitations went out before we could redefine our terms ("Becky, only invite friends who you think would give you a kidney...") so we ended up with ten additional prepubescents under our roof. This was not a complete and total disaster, but it came pretty close. It also wasn't any cheaper, because the funds we saved on the "not-all-that-close" and "boy" categories ended up spent on the extra meal costs.
But that was just the beginning. When Tim's birthday rolled around six months later, he dragged out the "Same As" rule on us.
If you don't have two children who are close in age, maybe you are unfamiliar with the "Same As/Opposite As" rule. Basically, the "Same As" rule is an anti-favoritism law. It can be applied in any number of ways, from Same Number of Christmas Presents As, to Same Allowance As. The "Opposite As" rule is a constantly mutating declaration of independence. It takes effect whenever both children are given a choice at the same time, and comes up most frequently when we're planning dinner. Say, for instance, I wanted to cook steak. Were I to ask both Becky and Tim if they wanted to eat steak for dinner, I'd get one yes and one no. It really doesn't matter who says what, or which order they go in. (This is why I no longer ask them what they want to eat.)
Our mistake was in not sitting Becky and Tim down at the same time and asking "who wants a sleepover birthday party." This would have triggered the "Opposite As" rule, which almost always overrides the "Same As" rule.
So we were stuck throwing a sleepover party for Tim too. The good news was that we were able to hold his total head count to four overnight. The bad news, they were all boys.
Again, if you don't have children, you might fail to accurately judge the relative dangers of ten extra girls versus four extra boys You might even conclude that, just based on total tonnage, the ten girls scenario is worse. You would be wrong.
Let us contrast and compare.
--Many of the girls invited to Becky's party were quiet, polite, even shy. In one case we practically had to beat out a confession of vegetarianism from a child who wasn't eating, because she was prepared to starve.
--Tim's party resembled a banquet scene from a movie set in feudal England. One child declared himself king and began making arrangements for how the rest of the evening was going to go, apparently unaware that we'd already made a couple of plans. Shouting for mead and calling my wife a serving wench would not have been out of place.
--The girls chatted, giggled, and tickled each other a lot.
--The boys immediately wolfed down pizza and proceeded to play something called Yu-Gi-Oh. This is a game involving ridiculously expensive cards that makes no sense whatsoever, but apparently requires all of the participants and observers to shout a lot. Each of the cards has a different ability that changes depending on the way the card is placed down on the table. If that's not confusing enough, the cards all have random names that sound like somebody in Japan was playing Mad-Libs: Flaming Tomato, Incontinent Ferret, Arrow of Lint, that sort of thing. With rules that change every second, the only one doing well was the boy who declared himself king, mainly because he was louder.
--Girls, when told to bring a sleeping bag and pillow to a party in order to have something to sleep in, will do so.
--Boys evidently prefer to sleep on the floor with nothing covering them, even in November. Only one child brought a sleeping bag, but after attempting to leave it in the car (his father dropped it off later) elected not to use it. We found him huddled in the fetal position on the living room floor the next morning. (We had enough blankets for everyone else-- barely-- and didn't give him one because we assumed he'd been trained well enough in basic self-preservation to understand that when it is cold, one covers oneself.)
--Girls tell ghost stories and stay up all hours of the night sitting in the dark, huddled together in silent, abject terror because somebody knew a story that scared the crap out of everyone else.
--Boys will wait until the adults have gone to bed so as to dive into the video collection they've been told they cannot watch. Tim, all evidence to the contrary, knows better than to cross certain lines with us. I can tell him he is too young to see certain movies, and even when said movies are accessible, he won't try to watch any of them. (I'm talking about Pulp Fiction, Dangerous Liaisons, etc. Movies with adult themes that he isn't ready to understand. Not porn. And don't tell me you weren't thinking that.) Apparently, with other male children, telling them they can't see, have, watch, or do something is an open invitation of some kind. (I keep the porn somewhere else.) So I didn't get to go to sleep until they did, which was exasperating because the boy who would be king was clearly planning on staying up all night. (All right, I'm kidding. I don't have any porn. Why, do you? Can you recommend any titles?)
--Girls almost never make noises at two in the morning that sound like a ball peen hammer falling from a great height.
--Boys make that sound every ten minutes, even when sound asleep. Or, we have a poltergeist.
One thing both parties did have in common. There was always one child who was bigger than any other child, who didn't know how loud he or she was, who apparently learned group social skills from Lord of the Flies, and who would only follow the rules of adults as long as the adults were actually visible at the time.
So my advice, if you are ever planning your
own sleepover party, is to quickly identify that child and have
them removed. Unless it's your own child. Then you're screwed.
© 2002, Gene Doucette
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