The Other Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
How to Lose Weight
Recent studies show seventy percent of adult Americans are overweight, and the remaining thirty percent think they are. According to the commonly used Body Mass Index (BMI) nearly half of all overweight Americans are either Grossly Overweight (GO) or worse, Really Fucking Huge (RFH)*.
Weight problems translate directly into health problems, a less than ideal lifestyle, and unpleasant Body Odor (BO). The AMA (American Medical Something-or-other) recently stated, bluntly, "Americans need to lose weight. Christ, it's embarrassing. Look at you people."
In other words, if you (and we are assuming you are an American) don't lose weight, you will die.
1: Eat less food The primary cause of weight gain is overconsumption of food. Not surprisingly, then, the best way to lose weight is to stop eating altogether. While this has proven to be a time-tested and very effective weight-loss plan, it will also kill you, which may impact your lifestyle negatively. Instead, you want to avoid the foods that are making you fat. This is where most people interested in losing weight get led astray. Some diets recommend not eating food that other diets recommending eating exclusively, and this can be very confusing. Rather than stick to a particular diet plan that recommends foods you would not otherwise eat, your best bet is to cut out foods from your existing diet and eating whatever is left. Foods you want to stop eating are:
--Anything that can be super-sized
--Fried foods
--Anything made from an animal that was also overweight (pigs, cows, your neighbor)
--Foods where primary ingredients are misspelled (i.e., "cheeze")
--Anything that tastes really good
--Anything containing sugar or corn syrup, even if it does not also taste good2: Exercise The problem with losing weight is that your body, while weighing less, can still look extremely gross if there are no muscles to replace the fat. Exercising also has a benefit insofar as doing so will "burn" extra "calories", although inevitably not where you want it to.
Exercise is essentially any lengthy activity involving physical exertion. Millions of years ago your ancestors survived by running pretty much all the time, either to escape predators or to catch prey. Humans need no longer do that quite so much, but our bodies haven't figured that out yet, evolutionarily speaking. Thus, most of the best exercise involves running. You may be faintly familiar with exercise when you get up to fetch a beer. Try to imagine fetching a hundred beers in a row, but without actually getting any beer.
3: Take up smoking It is an established fact that smoking kills your appetite, because all food tends to taste much like an ashtray, and nobody wants to eat an ashtray. The drawback is that you may lose your interest in exercising, or moving.
4: Medical solutions Because it's nearly impossible to get Americans to eat less and exercise-- although getting them to smoke turns out to be quite simple-- medical science is working on solutions to help fat people. Right now it is possible to have a surgeon actually open you up and staple your stomach, an operation that, frankly, we can't even think about right now. In the future, you will be able to take a pill, eat as much as you like, and not gain any weight. But not right now. Sorry.
5: Move You may want to consider moving to another country where food is considerably more scarce. We recommend contacting Amnesty International and asking them where people are starving, and then move there. Ethiopia is a very popular option.
6: Fear Factor This is an excellent way to lose weight. Tape four or five episodes of the reality series "Fear Factor" and put it in every time you eat. Each episode of this show has contestants consuming something obscenely revolting, such as raw wombat rectum. You will quickly find that you no longer have an appetite.
7: Rare eating conditions Bulimia and Anorexia Nervosa are two medical conditions that, while life-threatening, also make people very very thin. You may wish to consider picking up one of these diseases for a brief period of time. Ask your doctor for details.
Things to Know
--Two hundred years ago the "ideal" body type, in terms of sexual appeal, was much larger. Too bad you didn't live back then.
--Nobody's buying the "big-boned" excuse. And the "glandular problem" one isn't working either.
*All statistics invented exclusively for this article. Copying, repeating or otherwise reusing these statistics without the express written consent of the authors is prohibited.
Order your copy of The OTHER Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook today to read:
How to Escape From Prison
How to Take A Bullet
How to Identify Anthrax
How to Deal With Foreigners
...and much more!
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© 2003, Gene Doucette